Tuesday, April 17, 2012


I'm ready for another stick, Mom!

Mom Julie here and I'm in tears as I write this. My doggie, my precious boy is gone.

I keep going over things in my mind, replaying the events that led to his passing and I wish I could have changed everything. He had a seizure around six o'clock last evening, his very first and I, not knowing what to do, stayed by his side, comforting him, talking to him. It lasted only a few minutes, I'm sure, but seemed like it would never end. I took him to the emergency clinic a half hour away. He sat in the back seat, by this time back to normal, but I wanted to be sure.

We arrived, he was bouncy and fine, wagging his tail at everyone and running around the emergency lobby like we were there for a good time. The doctor explained that older dogs do get seizures and it could be a number of different things prompting them. I said I would take him to the vet first thing in the morning. After we talked he was still fine, acted great and I even walked him around outside a little bit just to make sure. We had agreed if he had one during the night, I would bring him back in.

I was on my way home, almost to the house, when he was hit by another seizure. I was alone, driving and all I could think of was to get him back to the clinic as soon as I could. Holding his collar and talking to him, I drove, but they kept coming, and coming. He didn't stop shaking on the back seat floor and when we arrived again, two women came out to help me with him. They carried him in, shaking still. All I wanted to do was be with him. When I went in the back, they were trying to resuscitate him.

I never prayed so hard in my life. One of those times when you promise the Good Lord anything, anything at all, shortening my own life if he had to, just to bring my baby back. They came out to tell me they were not having any luck and asked if they should continue. It broke my heart to tell them no.

Just today I added a graphic to the sidebar because I was having trouble finding a candle so we could pay tribute to all our angels, so I used a beautiful one with all the cats and dogs in it. Little did I know that my baby was going to be one of them. He had just turned 10 in March.

I hope he finds plenty of friends. He had countless numbers of them here on Earth. He never met a stranger, and I'm glad I had the time with him I did, nine years of love and sharing his life with kitties.

Should I have them do an autopsy to find out what was wrong? Or, should I just let the heartbreak rest? I don't know what to do, and I can't sleep.

--Mom Julie

**UPDATE** Thank you all so much for your comforting words. I finally did get some rest, but not very much. I was still up at 6, ready to start the day, and all without my big, golden boy by my side.

I decided not to do the necropsy. This afternoon, when I went to pick him up from the emergency clinic, I had a chance to really talk to the doctor. I was happy to find the same vet who received him last night, there today. She said sometime between the car and the building, while he was being carried, his heart stopped. When I saw him, he was being given chest compressions and had a tube in his mouth and an IV.  No matter what they did, he couldn't be revived.

Last night, of course, I couldn't think straight, today, not really, either. But, I had done a lot of sorting out in my sleeplessness and I can recall his being more clingy than usual, unsure of himself after dark--all signs of aging, I thought. The seizures she felt, since he was an older dog, could only be an indication of something far more serious, probably a tumor.

I picked him up and took him to the Animal Welfare Society, a shelter where I adopted Tom, Mitty and Anastasia. They do cremations and all money goes to the shelter. I know Trapper would have wanted it that way. As we're heading down I-95 south to Kennebunk, the whole time, I talked to my boy. I had laid down the passenger seat back to make it flat and had the doctor put him, all wrapped in black plastic next to me. My hand rested on his sweet head as I drove down. This gave me some of the closure I desperately needed.

I think I might sleep tonight, but I'm not sure, really. The kitties know something is terribly wrong. They want to attach themselves to me in every possible way, and, of course, they're getting more hugs and kisses than usual.

I can't thank you all enough for your comforting words, support and shared tears. It means so much to me. 


Sparkle said...

I am so sorry! I don't think there is anything you could have done differently. It was just one of those mysterious things over which neither humans nor animals have any control. The only reason to do an autopsy is if you think it might shed some light on what was going on that might help another dog, or someone else's dog in the future. But it could just as well be something that nobody could have predicted. Try to get some sleep - maybe there will be other suggestions that you will find helpful when you get up. I am sending you gentle purrs and headbutts. I hope you can feel them.

Fuzzy Tales said...

Oh, Julie, I'm in tears. I'm so, so sorry. I well remember the utter shock of Chumley's passing, so unexpected (blood clot).

There's nothing you could have done differently, absolutely nothing. If an autopsy brings you peace of mind, then do it, but I really don't think it will matter one way or another. It was just one of those things, his time, the Fates, whatever you want to call it.

Do you have anything to help you relax? Something safe, I mean. Valerian? You won't sleep, I don't imagine. I remember I couldn't choke down more than tea and a half a piece of toast for days either. I took Gravol (anti-nausea med) every day for weeks.

The shock is a terrible thing, and I know how you will go back over everything in your mind, trying to find something you missed, questioning yourself, with all the "what ifs."

But in this case I really, really believe there was nothing else to be done, that you could have done, and I'm sure no prior warnings.

I'm rambling, I know, I'm just so upset for you.

Sending universal Light and love, the boys send purrs.

Just let yourself ride the roller coaster of grief, all its stages, for as long as you need to. The questions, the denial, etc...it's all part of the process.


Peace and Blessings.


The Furries of Whisppy said...

Julie, I'm so so sorry to read about this.
Please allow yourself time to grief as it is a natural and necessary part of healing.
Trapper would want to you cherish the almost 10 years of happy memories you had with him. He was so loved!

Mariodacat said...

Oh Julie - I'm so very very sorry. What a shock it has to be because you had no warning sign. How blessed you were to have him 10 years. You can't blame yourself for any of this, and there was nothing you could have done differently that would have made any difference. If it would bring you piece of mind to have an autopsy done, then do it, But it won't change anything or bring him back. Right now you are still in shock because everything happened so very fast - give yourself time to grieve and process what has happened. Know that you are surrounded by love and we all grieve with you. Hugs dear friend.

Fisher and Staff said...

This is such very sad news and we send out heartfelt sympathy to you. I agree with the others, you did everything you could do, and your beautiful little boy knows that, too.

Nerissa said...

I'm so sorry. There's nothing more you could have done, I'm sure, so please don't blame yourself in any way. Sometimes we just don't understand why things happen. Sometimes we're just not meant to understand, I think. Have faith that whatever the reason, it was meant to be and that even though it hurts more than anyone could possibly imagine, there was a reason for this to happen. We just don't know what it is.

I remember when my brother Desdemona died. I was so heartbroken but then my peep told me that maybe, just maybe, our younger siblings Alexander & Josephine (who died quite young) needed Des up in Heaven with them to teach them stuff and for company. That made me feel a little better. It was comforting.

Katie and Glogirly said...

Oh Julie....I'm so very sorry. I just saw the link on the CB and had to come over. I can just feel your breaking heart. You have to know that there was nothing you could do. I also agree with the others...if the autopsy will give you peace or help others, by all means you should do it. But it's very likely that nothing will be learned and it will remain a mystery. I'm going to go hug my kitty right now. Please know that you've got loving arms and paws from the blogosphere wrapped around you in comfort.
love, Glogirly

Katie Isabella said...

Julie, I am so so sorry about your baby and his passing. It is one of the many extraordinarily hard hard tiems in our lives as pet parents. There was noting else you could have done and as another commenter said, he knew of your love and that love surrounded him all the while.

As the others said, an autopsy probably wouldn't shed mush light on what happened. Be gentle to yourself and if that is something you feel you should do, then do. But if it is something you would have to make yourself do..let it go.

Much love and warm hugs to you. I know how hard it is as we all of us do gathered here with you.

Carole and Katie

Tamago said...

Julie, I am so sorry to hear this sad news. You did what was best for your precious Trapper. And he must have felt secure with you by his side and listening your voice.
About autopsy, I think yes if it makes you feel at peace. I think it's best to follow your heart...but it must be confusing time, too.
Please take as much time as you need. What I hope is that your heart will heal soon. And I hope you can get a peaceful night sleep. Sending hugs and warm thoughts...

Random Felines said...

Oh Julie....we are so sorry and mom is teared up for you. Trapper sounds like a special guy and we know he was warmly greeted over the Bridge. It doesn't matter the circumstances or the age or anything - it never gets easier. The hardest part of being the "human" is having to make the decision to let go.... Please don't beat yourself up - none of this was your fault and I promise that there is probably nothing you could have done different. You were there with him and that it the most important thing.... purrs and kitty kisses

~*Connie*~ said...

Oh Julie, I am so very sorry.. it is so hard to take the loss of a loved one regardless of the reasons.

What will a necropsy tell you? that there was a reason for this? or maybe they won't find anything because is was simply his time. Maybe he ingested something that caused this. Discuss this with your vet and the eclinic if you can. Consider all the outcomes and if that information what ever it is will HONESTLY bring you peace. If you think it will, then do it. But death comes when it is meant to come even when we feel that it is way too early or just wrong (I feel that all the time when I lose kittens)

If you feel that some good can come from knowing, then follow that. I have found that more tests and more info aren't always for the greater good.

My heart goes out to you. I pray you find the peace you need to get past the pain.

Punapippuri said...

Many many purrs to you. Wr are so sad to read this, and hear how heart broken you are. An autopsy won't bring him back, but it might answer questions for you. How do you think you will find most peace ?
THe painful, painful irony of your candle. But please know there are real candles lit now in many places for your beloved Trapper.
Much love to you,
Karin and Punapippuri's gang x

Punapippuri said...

Many many purrs to you. Wr are so sad to read this, and hear how heart broken you are. An autopsy won't bring him back, but it might answer questions for you. How do you think you will find most peace ?
THe painful, painful irony of your candle. But please know there are real candles lit now in many places for your beloved Trapper.
Much love to you,
Karin and Punapippuri's gang x

Ginger Jasper said...

You cant change anything as it as meant to be but you can take comfort from knowing you gave your boy al those years of love and he gave the same to you. You will be able in time to look back and remember with that same love all the wonderful time you shared. Please dont beat yourself up because you could have done no more and you were right thre with your boy.. Sending love, hugs and purrs. Carol and GJ x

Katnip Lounge said...

Julie, I'm weeping for you; losing such a sweet boy is never easy, and to have him go so quickly...I can't imagine the heartbreak. I'm sending you {{hugs}} and I'll go rev up the Cats to send you healing purrs. I would not do the autopsy, I would feel like my baby was being desecrated. But that's just me.
I wish I could do more, remember we are all here for you.
xx Trish

Marg said...

Oh Julie, I am so very sorry. That must have been horrible for both you and Trapper. In my opinion, I would not do an autopsy. It won't help Trapper and it sounds like one of those things that happens. We are thinking about you today. Sending you lots of purrs and prayers. Take care.

Forty Paws said...

We are so very sorry that Trapper has crossed over. It was probably his time to go. I don't think I would bother with an autopsy, unless it will help you to feel better about his passing. We are sending you tons of purrs and purrayers and many many hugs right now.

Luf, Us and Maw

Samantha, Clementine and Maverick said...

Oh no!! Mom Julie we are so sorry to hear about the loss of Trapper!! We are sending you lots of purrrs and prayers during this sad time!!!
((((((HUGGGGGGSSSSSSSS)))))) from your TX furiends,

Jan's Funny Farm said...

Oh, Julie, I am so sorry for the sudden loss of Trapper. Seizures are so scary and unpredictable. You did the best you could for him. It was evidently just his time. He was loved and will always live in your memory. {{{{hugs}}}}

& pawhugs from the Funny Farmers

Brian said...

Oh Julie, we are all so very sorry to hear about sweet Trapper. Please don't beat yourself up, Trapper would not want that for you. One day soon the loving memories will make your heart smile. We send you many purrs, hugs and lots of love.

meowmeowmans said...

Oh Julie, we are so very sorry to hear of Trapper's passing. Our sweet angel Graphite also had some seizures towards the the end of his life, and they are scary indeed.

I would recommend against doing an autopsy, unless you feel it will give you greater peace. If it will, then absolutely have one done.

Thank you for loving Trapper so very much and so very well. We know that he would not want you to beat yourself up over this, so please don't, okay?

We love you, and are here if you need us!

Purrs, prayers and hugs,

Kevin, Tracey, Sammy and Moosey

The Island Cats said...

Oh Julie, we are so very sorry to hear about Trapper. Such a sweet face! As others have said, there was nothing you could have done...for some reason, it was his time. But we know how devastating this must be for you. If we were there with you, we give you lots of headbutts and hugs.

Wally, Ernie, Zoey and mom Sue

Old Kitty said...

Oh mum Julie! Oh I am so so sorry. How awful, awful, awful! I am truly sorry. We are sending all of you many purrs and hugs. What a beautiful boy, a true angel. Take care

Eric and Flynn said...

We are so very sorry to hear about Trapper. When you lose one that you love dearly there are always the "what ifs", but you did everything you possibly could. He knew how much he was loved and you were there to say goodbye to him. Cherish your happy memories of him and they will help you through your sorrow.

Rene said...

My heart goes out to you. You did the best that you could (and I would have done the same). If you would feel some closure by doing an autopsy, by all means get one done. I think, in my shoes, I would not do one but would donate the money it would cost to an animal organization. At least I would possibly help another pet. But, you have to do what you feel is right in your heart.


We're so sorry to hear about Trapper. We know how scary seizures can be (our Dad has had a couple) and we also know that sometimes there is no specific cause for them. We think you should do the autopsy if you really think it will make you feel better but we also think that they might not be able to tell you any more than you know now. Trapper was so lucky to have you at his side when his time came. We're sending soft purrs, hugs and prayers to you at this sad time.

The Florida Furkids and Mom Sharon

Team Tabby said...

We are very sorry to hear about the sudden passing of Trapper. You and he had a very special bond and we hope the memory of the years you had together will help with your sorrow and loss.

You are in our purrs and prayers.


Cindy said...

I'm so sorry. So hard for you being all alone, too. It's just awful to loose a family member. I keep praying the animals we love so much will be with us in Heaven. I think Jesus will do that.

Cindy said...

Love the Heaven's Gates picture.

LP said...

We came over form the CB to offer our condolences. We know how difficult it is to lose a pet/friend/family member so quickly. Please be kind to yourself and know it was out of your hands-it was his time.We know Trapper had nine wonderful years with you and that he was very much loved!
We wouldn't do an autopsy simply because it wouldn't change anything-it was his time.He was a beautiful boy.
We send you all our love and hugs from us all.

the critters in The Cottage and LP XOXOXOXOXXO

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom said...

We are sorry for your loss -

Since Goldens are Khousins to Khyra (both here AND across The Rainbow Bridge), we know their special qualities -

Please do not question yourself - nor second guess -

Sometimes it is out of our control for more reasons than we'll ever know or understand -

We would paw NOT to do a necropsy - it won't change what happened and will only take green paper$ you could donate in his memory -

A candle will be lit in Trapper's memory for his journey to where all things are Golden -

Not furever...just...fur now -

Khyra and Phyll

Avalons Garden and Mewsings of Garden Cottage Cats said...

Dear Julie, We are so sad at the loss of your beautiful boy Trapper. How heartbreaking, and such a scarey thing for you both......
I don't see what you could have done differently under the circumstances. You did everything you possibly could. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Your baby boy had the Best life with you, you were a very good mama to him and I know you love(d) him dearly as he you ~
Sending you both Love & Light to guide Trapper's way and to help heal your broken heart ~
Hugs & Love to you,

Safe Journey Trapper ~

ABBY said...

I am just devastated to read this about Trapper. You did everything right, and even the medical professionals didn't see any warning signs. Whatever eases your heart is what I suggest you do. That is a beautiful graphic you placed on your sidebar. We send you deep prayers to help guide your way.

Cara n Crew said...

I am so sorry and sad to read this :( Rest in Peace, sweet Trapper. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Purrs and slobbers from my crew.

Cara and
Pip, Smidgen, Minnie, Hollie, Wriggley

The Lee County Clowder said...

Oh, So Sorry. It always seems worse somehow when it is so sudden like that.

Sending comforting purrrrrrss & gentle headbutttss to you all.

The Cat From Hell said...

Oh Julie,
I grieve with you! It was not so long ago we lost our beautiful Sam - totally unexpectedly! I felt so guilty, like there was something I could have done, even though I KNEW there was nothing that I could have. I was told by a friend, "Caring people always seem to Should Have and Could Have".
Know that we all love and care about you and that we send you comforting prayers.
Kisses and Purrs
Nellie's Mom (and Nellie)

Andrea and the Celestial Kitties said...

I am so so sorry. I know there are no words that will help, so we are praying for you here. Hugs

Laila and Minchie said...

Oh, how simply devastating! Our hearts are crying with you on the loss of sweet Trapper. We have a Golden Retriever cousin and she is the absolute sweetest thing! They are great dogs! You are all in our thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))

Meg said...

Oh Julie we are so sorry for your loss!! Our deepest condolences.

E. Smith said...

So sorry for your loss. I hope that in this time of grief, the happy memories comfort you.

E. Smith said...

So sorry for your loss. I hope that in this time of grief, the happy memories comfort you.

Oui Oui said...

We're so sorry to hear about Trapper. Please don't beat yourself up over what happened. You did everything you could, and what was reasonable. Hindsight is 20/ 20, but no matter what you did, the outcome would have been the same. The important thing is Trapper was loved, and he knew it. He was lucky to be with you, too. So many deserving animals die without ever knowing what love is, and you gave him the greatest gift - yourself. Everything else is secondary. We will be praying and purring for you, that you find solace and peace. God bless you. Hopefully in time you will take in another. So many are in need of a good home. It won't be the same, but it would be a nice way of honoring Trapper.

Karen Jo said...

I am so very sorry about Trapper. I don't believe that there was anything you could have done that would have affected the outcome. Just let yourself grieve at your own pace and try to sleep without all the "what if" thoughts, though that is very hard to let go of.

Clooney said...

We are so very sorry about your so sudden and very tragic loss of your beloved Trapper, Mom Julie. We send you our gentlest, comforting purrs and wrap you in thoughts of love. You and the kitties are in our thoughts and prayers.

Be Well Sweet Trapper

Laura and Taffeta Rose said...

Julie, We are so sorry for the sudden loss of Trapper. You did all you could; there was no more you could have given him. He knew he was well loved and loved you in return. Run free, Trapper!

Comforting hugs and soft purrs.
Laura and Taffy

Everycat said...

Julie, we are so sorry that Trapper has gone, and so sad that it was all so sudden. A dear friend passes and all we see is the huge gap they left for us and it hurts. A big echoing hurt. That gap is there for you, to in time, when it's right and easier, to fill with the beautiful memories you have of Trapper, the good and fun times. That time will come dear, until then take everything easy, allow the feline tribe at The Parish to comfort you and most of all, love each other.

We send you love, hugs and rumbly purrs

Oliver, Gerry, Mungo & Jane xx

Father Tom said...

How blessed I am to be comforted so much! Thank you, dear friends. I am very, very grateful to all of you.

Julie, Tom and the kitties
with Angel Trapper close by


Madi and Mom said...

Mom Julie...
My mom and I send you lots of purrs and hugs. Trapper was such a handsome boy and oh how we see the love in his eyes. You and Trapper were truly blessed to have each other. God bless you as your heart mends....
Madi and Mom

Bellen said...

I'm sorry your beloved friend is gone. I agree with the comments that state that you couldn't have done anything differently. from what you write, it was too quick and too strong. But if it was a tumour, then it may have been best that Trapper went this way. It was quick and you were with him. God bless you and good luck.

Katie Isabella said...

I talked to my baby all the way home when I picked her up from the Vet's office when she was returned after her cremation. I talked to her there in the front seat with e and told her " we're going home, baby. Don't worry any more." You talked to Trapper all the way there and yes, it helps.

God bless you. XOXOX

Shaggy and Scout said...

Oh Julie my heart goes out to you.
Having just gone through this I can say I know exactly what you are feeling. It's the suddenness of it all, and the hollow, empty agony of it. The sense of why, why him, why now.
I'll e-mail you soon. Just know that I am sending hugs and love and I am with you in your sorrow. He was a very handsome fellow.

ellie said...

Thinking of you in this sad time. losing a close friend is so hard. Trapper was a well loved beautful fella.

Cathy Keisha said...

At first I wa surprised to see a DOG on the blog but then I understood as TW's face got wetter and wetter. She's going on hysterics now cos her cat Nicky went OTRB the same way. He had massive seizures. Purrs and kisses to you.

Melody said...

Im so,so sorry for your loss of Trapper. It makes it harder when it is so unexpected like that. I lost 2 precious kitties that way. Its such a shock to your system. Be comforted by the fact that your baby is at the Rainbow Bridge...proably chasing my beloved angel kitties around.
I will keep you in my prayers!

Hannah and Lucy said...

We are so sorry to read about your dear Trapper and so sorry you were driving with him when he had more seizures - it must have made it even more stressful for you. You know he had such good care at the vet's office and everything that could be done was. We also know you will miss him very much as we all do our beloved babies.
Luv Hannah and Lucy xx xx

Scout and Freyja said...

My heart is breaking for you. I have a Golden, Scout, and cannot even begin to imagine my life without him but I know that one day I will be walking in your shoes. Please know that there are hundreds of people wrapping their hearts around yours as you mourn.

Prancer Pie said...

We are so so sorry to hear bout your lovely golden boy. Our hearts go out to you. We will keep you in our purrayers and ask fur your comfort. xoxo

Rumpydog said...

Oh Dear, I am so sad and sorry you've had to say good-bye. You're in my prayers.

cattywumpus said...

We are so sad for you. Losing a dear friend is so hard. Our mom is crying as she writes this. Purrs to you, and your kitties will help you get through this. Pets are so good at sensing loss and giving comfort.

sagechronicles said...

I know this is terribly late, but please know that you are in my thoughts tonight. We put our Toby down April 17, after a long, long battle with many diseases. Hopefully, he was waiting for Trapper and has introduced him to all their furiends who have gone before.

I know what you have been going through. Every time I fix dinner, I wait for Toby to come eat that piece of tomato or that core of lettuce. There are many, many memories you have of Trapper and I know they sustain you today.

The Cat Guy said...

I've fallen behind in reading my blogs, so just getting to hear this very sad news. My heart aches for you as you adjust to life without Trapper's physical presence in your life. It sure sounds like you both loved each other well. You'll be in my prayers and I'll let the kitties know too, so they can purr for you all.