It has come to my attention that our President is under siege from a paparazzi-infested rodent. The fact that this creature has the audacity to upstage our fearless leader is unconscionable. To my keen eye, the fact that this pest is also indecisive will work to my benefit.
As I can only indulge in big words upon the completion of a full meal, I gathered up kibble and begged for morsels until I am about to burst. Only now am I in a position to engage in the sort of elocution that befits our President and is appropriate for any correspondence with him.
The following is the draft of a letter offering my services:
President Barack Obama
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Dear Mr. President:
I look with dismay upon footage showing an obvious upstaging of your presence at the podium. While trying to make a serious point, the media is distracted by a rodent, described as a vole, trying to cross in front of you. Discovering the excitement upon his sudden appearance, he scuttles back into hiding. If I recall, the previous administration was not besieged by such audacious vermin, as they had a cat.
I am offering my services. As a Maine Coon cat and a church cat at that, my country needs me at a time like this. I will, through sheer intimidation and a good lunge rid your premises of such attention-getting hijinks once and for all. I am also prepared to bring a host of blessings with me to ensure that our infiltrator leaves the premises with a positive attitude.
Once my mission is complete, I will bid you all farewell and go about my business at our parish in Pennshaven, Pennsylvania.
Should we find a nest of perpetrators awaiting their opportunity for stardom, I assure you we can put a complete recovery plan into place. Please consider my offer. I'm glad to serve my country and my President.